Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 9-year-old daughter is having an issue with her best friend’s family. A week ago, my daughter had a movie party at her friend’s house. Her friend’s teenage stepbrother made a bunch of “jokes” about what my daughter should be for Halloween: “You should go as a vampire because you’re already pale AF,” “you should go as an alien because you already have four eyes,” “you should go as yourself because you’re already so ugly,” and on and on. This obviously made my daughter upset. Her friend’s mom not only refused to stop her stepson, but according to my daughter, also acted like she agreed with him. They live a 20-minute drive away from us, and my daughter doesn’t have a phone and didn’t feel comfortable asking her friend’s mom to contact me so she had to wait until the agreed upon time for me to pick her up. Now she doesn’t want to play at her friend’s house.
Yesterday I got a text from her friend’s mom saying that if my daughter won’t play at her friend’s house, then her friend can’t play at our house. After some clarification, she did not change her mind. My daughter is devastated and wants me to tell the other mom that it’s ok, she can go to her friend’s house. Something feels really off here. The other mom has always felt a little off, but never like this. My daughter is very shy and doesn’t have any other close friends. This friend is in her class at school. I’m not sure what to do now.
—Halloween Bully
Dear Halloween Bully,
Yeah, I agree, the vibes here are off. It’s one thing to let siblings or same-aged peers work through minor conflicts on their own, but it should have been obvious that it’s not okay for a teenager to be an asshole to a visiting 9-year-old. All the mom had to do was tell him to apologize and leave his stepsister’s friends alone. I don’t know exactly what you said to her, parent to parent, but it seems weird and unnecessarily petty to respond to all this by saying that her child can’t come to your house.
You could try, one more time, to talk with the friend’s mom—in person or over the phone, not via text. She might relent and allow her daughter to come to your house. Maybe there’s even some reassurance she could offer that would make you consider sending your daughter back over to hers. But it seems unlikely based on how she’s behaved so far, to be honest.
I know all of this is unfair and must be really tough for your daughter. I hope that the kids can continue to be friends in class, and that she’s also able to make more friends through school or other activities—that would be good for her even if this hadn’t happened. I think you should do whatever you reasonably can to encourage and support her friendships. But I don’t want to tell you to just ignore your instincts where that mom and her stepson are concerned—if you aren’t sure that your child will be treated well at someone’s house, I think it makes sense not to send her there.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I are second-generation Indian American, and we have two daughters (33 and 29) and one son (31). In our culture, it is traditional for entire families to save up tens of thousands of dollars for their daughter’s wedding and save family wedding jewelry and clothing for them for decades—weddings are multi-day affairs, no matter how wealthy someone is. While my wife and I saved enough to pay for all of our children’s university and graduate education, we couldn’t afford to also save money for our daughters’ weddings (and thought it seemed unfair to our son). But when our daughters got married, my wife divided up her and her mother’s heirloom wedding jewelry, which had been in the family for nearly 80 years, and gave them her wedding saris to wear for different events. Many older family members also gifted them money (which we did not ask for) because they were horrified that we hadn’t saved enough, and that ended up being around $10,000 each.
Our son and his long-term girlfriend “Emily” are now engaged and planning a wedding of their own, which we are delighted about. We told them that because so many of our relatives had given our daughters money, we would contribute $10,000 to their wedding. Emily thanked us but seemed a little let down, and when we met for dinner last week, she blurted out why: She knew that my wife had given several thousand dollars’ worth of silk saris and gold jewelry to our daughters for multi-day weddings, and wanted to know why we weren’t giving them a comparable amount. My wife pointed out that those were family heirlooms. Emily insinuated that she wasn’t getting the same because she wasn’t Hindu/Indian and didn’t want an Indian wedding, but by now she should know that we’re non-practicing (she was at our oldest daughter’s wedding to her Colombian husband!). I told Emily that if $10,000 wasn’t enough of a contribution, she could just not accept it. Now our son is upset with us, and suggested we pay for Emily’s dress and jewelry as a “compromise” because it was cheaper than Indian wedding attire. My wife says we should just give them the money so Emily can have a good relationship with us. I disagree. What should we do to resolve this?
—Cultural Clashes
Dear Cultural Clashes,
I get that your “just don’t take our money, then!” retort bothered your son, but I don’t really understand why he and Emily have gone this route. If they really feel they need a larger contribution from you, there’s a way to ask and try to make that case without comparisons or guilt.
You and your wife have already paid for your son’s college and graduate education; clearly, you haven’t held back in terms of financial support. You’ve also offered him and his fiancée more money than you were able to offer either of your daughters when they got married. You’re not obligated to give them more, especially if you can’t afford to do so. And I don’t think that a smooth relationship with your son or your new daughter-in-law should hinge on how much money you fork over, now or in the future—if you need to buy someone’s goodwill, how good is it, really?
That said: Just as your wife doesn’t want to risk a larger conflict with your son and his fiancée on the eve of their wedding, you may decide that you don’t want this to become a major point of contention between you and your wife. It’s okay to be annoyed with your son and Emily over their entitlement (I would be, too). You don’t have to go along with their demands. But there’s also nothing inherently wrong with acceding to your wife’s wishes and buying the dress, assuming that you can afford to be the bigger people. I don’t see this as a question of right or wrong—it’s about making the decision you and your wife will find easiest to live with.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
A child I placed for adoption 40 years ago reached out to a relative they found through DNA testing. They gave an email, said they had a great adoptive family, and stated they would like to hear from anyone in the family. I emailed, said I was the birth parent, and gave them my name, phone number, employer, and email. I said I was thrilled to know they felt happy about their parents, and would be glad to be there in any way they wished. I also said I welcome the contact and would never want to intrude, basically stating that they can be in charge of what they want in terms of contact, and I will respect that.
I have not heard back, and wonder if I should reach out again and how soon. I would hate for their questions to go unanswered or wishes remain unfulfilled due to an email glitch. At the same time, I want to respect their boundaries, because I understand that reaching out to a possible anonymous relative on a DNA site is not the same as actually contacting a birth parent. Maybe they need time. Or maybe they are just really busy. My name is uncommon and if they searched online, they would see that I am a successful professional person—I don’t think they would be afraid I am a weirdo, and I want to keep it that way by not being stalkery. So, my thought is that I will reach out again and give light medical history, because I read that is important to adoptees, and restate my happiness with any level of contact they prefer. Does that sound reasonable, or is their nonresponse my response? And if I do reach out again, how soon is too soon?
—Don’t Know If Left on Read
Dear Don’t Know,
You didn’t mention how long it’s been since your first reach-out. An email glitch seems unlikely, but I think it’s okay to follow up after a month or so. They might just need more time, for all the reasons you mentioned. If you still don’t hear anything after a second attempt, I would back off and let them reach out to you if/when they’re ready.
I think I’d refrain from sending much in the way of detailed information that hasn’t been requested, at least for now, while making it clear that it will be provided when they’re ready. Even what you consider “light” medical history might not seem so to them. As an adoptee, I understand how important it is for adopted people to have access to as much social and medical history as possible; ideally, your child will let you know when they’re ready to receive and process all the information you have to share.
Do you know if they’ve had any communication with the relative they initially contacted? I assume that your mutual relative told you about it and decided to let you handle it. But if your family member feels comfortable doing so, they could also respond to the original message and offer to answer questions or put the adoptee in touch with you and other relatives. If your child doesn’t want to be in contact with you right now, this would also give them a chance to say so without having to tell you directly. I’m not saying I think that’s the case, but if it is, maybe the other relative could forward important medical information when the adoptee is ready.
I grew up in a closed adoption and reconnected with my birth family when I was in my twenties, so I speak from experience when I say that your expectations and wishes may or may not precisely align with the other person’s—and even if they do, adoption reunions are often complicated for all involved. As you consider what to do next, it’s important to be honest with yourself about your own hopes and feelings, even as you acknowledge that you have no control over someone else’s and cannot know what will happen. Whether you wind up being in contact with your child or hearing nothing from them, try to have your own support system lined up so that you aren’t processing everything alone.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 15-year-old son, “Evan.” Evan’s doing well in school, but I still keep an eye on him and his work, and over the weekend I took a peek at his half-finished essay for his Composition and Rhetoric class. I knew he had to write a persuasive essay, but what I found shocked me. It was a pro-conscription argument, mostly centering on bridging the gap between civilians and military and on how it makes democracies more militarily adventurous when the people dying in wars are largely a cohort of their own who can be sealed off from the rest of the voting public. I was a bit too young for Vietnam, but the memory of conscription (I had cousins forced to fight) and how it drove even boys my age to strive as hard as you can to get into a college, any college, to avoid being sent away to die scarred a lot of my peers.
Evan wasn’t in the house when I saw his “work,” but I resolved to give him a piece of my mind when he got back, only to find that I couldn’t find the courage to do so. And in fact, I’ve barely been able to speak to him since, and not about his essay. I’ve even found myself making excuses to avoid my son. How do I get over this and show him how he’s wrong?
—Circling Around
Dear Circling,
It sounds like you’re not only disappointed in Evan, but also angry with him, a reaction I think you ought to probe a little. I’m not saying that you have to accept or endorse all of his opinions. But he’s a 15-year-old—by definition, still learning how to think critically and make up his mind—and reaching a conclusion you disagree with, one that may or may not be permanent, isn’t something to reject him over. Also, you don’t actually know how strongly he feels about the opinions expressed in this paper—he’s engaging in an intellectual exercise on a subject he’s just beginning to learn about; for all you know, he may have been assigned to research and then argue a particular point. Even if he is personally committed to the views you read, that’s something to talk with him about, not hold against him in the way you currently are.
My 15-year-old recently participated in an in-class debate and was assigned to argue a position I strongly disagree with. She later told me that she really wasn’t sure what she thought about the issue; she was still thinking and learning. And of course, that’s exactly what she should be doing at her age, in and outside of school. I wasn’t upset with her, but looking back, I don’t think my initial response—that is, listing reasons why my view is the right one—was as helpful as it could have been. If I want to help her learn to think through and better understand complex topics, including those on which I have very strong opinions, I need to listen, engage with her questions, and encourage her in learning how to think, not just what to think.
It’s not wrong to try to influence what our kids think—and of course we already do, in all sorts of ways. It’s important for our children to know what we believe, what we think is most important, what our values are. But there is no way to force them to agree with us on everything, and even if there were, that wouldn’t be good for them. We’re not raising little robots or clones who accept whatever they’re told or believe only what someone else has put in their minds, but individuals who can listen, read, learn, discuss, and ultimately think for themselves. We’re trying to give them tools and a solid foundation to consider what their guiding principles and values are, in the hope that they will become thoughtful, compassionate people who know what they believe and can make good and ethical decisions.
This won’t be the last time your son says or does something you don’t agree with. However you feel about it, it’s neither good nor helpful to shut down and avoid him every time he does. Giving him “a piece of [your] mind” probably won’t be enough to make him change his, and you don’t want every differing opinion to drive a big wedge between you. Let your son know that you saw his argument, ask what he’s learned in his research and why he wrote what he did, and go from there. You can tell him your position, and explain why you feel it’s right, but don’t just talk at him the entire time; be ready to listen and consider his questions, too. Don’t make the discussion all about your feelings of disappointment. I’m guessing you don’t trace your own opinions and beliefs to parental lectures, but to reading, learning, discussion, your own thought process—that’s the process you want your son to be able to engage in, now and for the rest of his life.
—Nicole
More Advice From Slate
My sister and I are in our mid-30s and we don’t get along. When holidays and birthdays roll around, I text her to ask for her kids’ wish lists so I can buy them presents. She usually replies by phone, with some version of “The only thing my kids want is their mother to be happy, and our relationship makes me very sad.” And I’m like, “OK, but my gifts to your kids have nothing to do with our relationship.” This is not a situation where I’m buying gifts that she does not approve of, and perhaps it’s worth noting that my sister makes very little money, so her kids could actually use the lessons, toys, shoes, etc., that I’d send their way.
